Public Service Announcements

Know Your Mythical Creatures’ Rights

Do You Know Your Rights?

As a mythical creature in the Roman Empire, knowing your rights gives you the power to fight back against discrimination and harassment. Mythical Creature Rights Advocates provide straightforward, nuts-and-bolts information on your basic rights, and can help you determine courses of action if you’ve experienced discrimination. Whether you’ve faced harassment at the markets or the bathhouses, have been denied entry to Colosseum games, or been banned from your favorite panini shop, knowing your rights can help you fight back.

 

If you feel you’ve been the victim of harassment or discrimination please join the Mythical Creature Rights Society at our weekly round-table meeting Wednesday evening at The Gorgon Pit - Bar & Grill (free cheese sticks and chicken poppers will be served)

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Satyr Transmitted Disease

The Roman Health Alliance recommends avoiding all sexual contact with woodland Satyrs. The extremely horny half-human, half-goat species are currently experiencing a sexually transmitted outbreak that is highly contagious and there is no known cure at this time. 

Symptoms of Satyr Transmitted Disease Include:

  • Elongation of the nose

  • Inflammation of the ears

  • Painful, throbbing erections lasting more than 36 hours

  • Swelling and blockage of the anus hole (in rare cases the anus hole will close permanently)

The Roman Health Alliance recommends seeking medical attention immediately if you are experiencing any of these symptoms.

Stop Home-Brewing Now! 

Rome is facing a massive grain shortage due to the popularity of home brewing. Under the Emperor’s new grain shortage order, any citizen caught using grains for the purpose of brewing crudely named mediocre beers will be apprehended and stuffed into a burlap sack with a viper, a hound, and a monkey, and then thrown into the river Tiber.

Effective Immediately:

The Roman Grain Management Committee (RGMC) - announced Tuesday that the Phase III grain shortage restrictions will affect all counties, including Roman bases in Gaul.  Old Senator, the oldest sitting Senator in Rome, and Chair of the RGMC said “with rain in the forecast, it's possible that the Phase III restrictions could be loosened but residents should not take the restrictions lightly. Our best ambassadors are working on renegotiating grain supply terms with occupied Egypt to help restock tapped grain silos in the city.”