Police Beat

Icarus, 23, of Crete, was arrested for illegally base-jumping from the top of the Colosseum. He was immediately taken into custody by authorities after he crashed into the Pantheon building in his weird flying contraption. When asked why he violated the base-jumping law, Icarus said, “It was super extreme. Suck it!” He’s currently awaiting trial. 


Rufus Roundhorn, 54, of South Duckberry, was arrested at 1:47 am early Saturday morning for operating a two-horsed chariot while intoxicated. The notable sports announcer and co-host of Rome’s most popular morning show, “Live From Senate Square with Rufus & Viv,” was pulled over after his chariot trampled a local chariot salesman. After being apprehended, Roundhorn berated Roman officers in a profanity-laden rant. 


Halfules, 33, the disgraced half brother of the famed Hercules, was arrested yet again early Friday for petty theft and kidnapping after stealing a sheep and its herder. At the time of his arrest it was discovered that Halfules also had 4 oz. of illegal gladiator blood and a miniature crossbow on his person, leading to additional charges of possession of a narcotic and an unregistered firearm.